So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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