I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
