my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
