my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
