it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
