He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
