Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
