the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
