i just sent this text using only my big toe
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
