Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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