My hand turned me down
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
