At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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