do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
