Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
