He asked me if I "almost moaned"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
