Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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