i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
