I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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