Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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