either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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