I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
