I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think my moral compass just broke
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
