Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
