My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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