Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
