Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
