Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
