mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
