New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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