Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
