I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
