Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
