i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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