I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
