o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
