The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
