So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I can text with my tongue
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
