Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
