Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
