u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
