I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
