nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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