Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
