My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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