hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
