He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
