i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
