dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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