you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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