When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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