I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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