Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
