I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
